Kenny's New Girlfriend
by elfox15
Summary: This is my first SP story. Kenny gets a new girlfriend but there's something strange about her. Can the 4 boys find out what it is? Will Cartman get sent back to 1st grade? Read to find out!
1. Chapter 1

Kenny's Girlfriend

By E.L.F

A/N: I'd like to thank my sister AthEnA1999 for helping me to write this!

This is a story about a little 8-year old boy named Kenny McCormick. Kenny lives in South Park, Colorado, is poor, always makes wise-cracks, gets killed almost all the time, and he always wears a hood on his head and never, NEVER takes it off. This is all you need to know about this peculiar kid for now. Now, to the story. This isn't any normal story. Nuh-uh. This is—er, _was _a story about true love. To understand what is going on, we'll need to go back about two weeks…

* * *

Chapter 1 

"…and that children is why the 5th season of Night Court was lame," said Mr. Garrison, the third grade teacher at South Park Elementary. "Now, are they any questions?"

All the kids were dumbstruck. None of them knew what was going on. Then, Stan, the only normal kid in all of South Park, raised his hand.

"Yes, Stan?" asked Mr. Garrison.

"Dude, what does this have to do with President Lincoln's asassination?" asked Stan.

"If you shut the _HELL _up, I'll tell you!" shouted Mr. Hat, Mr. Garrison's puppet.

"Now, Mr. Hat, that is not how I treat my students. Okay, children. Open your history books to page 128--"

"Excuse me, sir," said Pip, the little English boy who always gets made fun of (and is mistaken for being French.) "Aren't we supposed to do our book reports?" Everyone else groaned.

"Thank you, Pip. I almost forgot. Let's see…who should go first, Mr. Hat?"

"How about that little fat kid over there," said Mr. Hat.

"HEY!" said the little fat kid known as Eric Cartman.

"Come on, Eric," said Mr. Garrison. "Or did you not do your book report…again?"

"I did it," said Cartman. He pulled a random book and "report" out of his desk and got out. On his way up to the front, he mumbled, "stupid frenchie" and kicked Pip's legs.

"Okay," he started. "The name of the book I read is called…uh…" He glanced down at his book. " 'The Tell-Tall Heart' by Thomas Ediso—uh, I mean Edgar Allen Poe. glances at book It's about these guys who…look at the floor, and this one guy says 'Hey! What're ya doing?' and the other guy goes 'I'm lookin' at a floor because I feel like it.' And the other guys are like 'Dude, this is weak.' Suuuh, on the Cartman Scale of Books, I give this book an eight an' a half on a scale of one to… ten. Any questions?"

Everyone raised their hands.

"No? Okay," said Cartman. Just as he was about to leave…

"Not so fast, Eric," said Mr. Garrison. "Did you actually _read _the book?"

"Mr. Garrison, I am shocked! Why would you accuse me of not readin' a book?" lied Cartman.

"Well," started Mr. Garrison, "do you know why the guy was looking at the floor?"

"Uh…uh…because there was punch and pie underneath it?"

"HE DIDN'T READ THE FING BOOK!" shouted Mr. Hat.

"I agree, Mr. Hat," said Mr. Garrison. "Eric, I'll see you after class."

* * *

"Dude, what happened?" asked Kyle, the only Jewish boy in town (excluding his little brother Ike) 

" None of your business, Jewhead," said Cartman. "But if you must know, Mr. Garrison said that I have to actually read a book for a book report. How the hell did he know?"

"Dude, you've had a really long history of not doing any report," said Kenny, the little poor boy in South Park who always gets killed.

"No, I don't! But Mr. Garrison said if I don't read another book by next Friday, I'll have to work in…the LIBRARY!"

The others just stared at the fat kid. "That doesn't sound so bad," said Stan.

"Oh, that's what they want you ta think, but the librarian's really a…cannonball!" said Cartman.

"_Cannibal_," corrected Kyle.

"Nuh-uh, I mean 'cannonball.' When you get really loud, she stuffs herself into a cannon and fires herself at you!"

" Mmmmph…mmh mhrr mph!" joked Kenny. Nothing was understood from above the hood.

"I don't think a cat can do that," said Stan

"Anyway, I'd better be getting' home, and you'll wish me luck." cartman started walking towards home to get a big bag of Cheesy Poofs until he looks back at the three boys. They didn't say a word.

"Well?" whined the fat boy.

Sielnce.

"So, you don't give a rat's ass about me an' if the librarian shoots herself out of a cannon and kills me? Well, screw you guys…I'm going home."

When Cartman got home, his mom greeted him with a hug and a kiss.

"Hello, sweetie," she said in her always sweet voice. "I brought my little man some Cheesy Poofs."

"GIMME!" shouted Cartman as he snatched the bag out of her hands, opened it, and chowed down on the snack inside.

After watching another episode of "Terrance and Phillip," Cartman went into the other room and asked his mom, "Meeeeeehm?"

"Yes, Eric?" she asked.

"Meeeehm, can I go to the library?"

"Why, sweetie? You're already smart."

"No. I need anothah book for my book report."

"I thought you already did a book report."

"I did, but Mr. Garrison said I have to read another book because mine wasn't good enough."

"What? Well, I'll have a little talk with Mr. Garrison." When Cartman went back into the other room, his cat Mr. Kitty rubbed up against his legs.

"Meow meow," purred Mr. Kitty.

"DAMMIT, MR. KITTY! GET OFF MY LEG!" screamed Cartman. He kicked Mr. Kitty across the room.

"Eric, sweetie, could you please use your inside voice?" asked his mom. "Oh, hello, Mr. Garrison. This is Liane Cartman. I wanted to talk to you abou—(pause) Yes, I want to kn—(pause) That's not possible because I saw him do it. (long pause) Now you listen the f up! My fing son did the fing report, so you just stay the f out of this! (very long pause) Oh, really? (pause) Oh, I'm sorry, Herb. Yes, I'll tell him. Bu-bye." She hung up the phone and called her son into the other room. "Eric?"

"Yes, meeeeeehm?"

"I've worked out a compromise with Mr. Garrison. If you read a book fully through, you won't have to work in the library."

"Whew," sighed Cartman.

"But, if you don't complete it, something worse will happen."

"But, MEEEEEEEEEHM!" whined the little fat kid.

"Sorry, hon," said his mom. " but this is the only way I can get you to become successful. You want to be successful, right?"

"I guess so," sighed Cartman.

* * *

"Okay, Kenny," said Cartman the next day at the bus stop. "I'll trade you my 'Terrance farting in Potato Chips' card for your '1986 Special Edition Philip's Farting Chrysler." 

"No way, fatass. This card belongs to my brother. He'd kill me if something happened to it," said Kenny.

"Hey! Don't you call me fatass!" screamed Cartman. "Now gim-may that card!" They both fought over the card until… RRRRRRRRRIP!

"Oh my God! You killed my brother's card, you bastard!" muffled Kenny.

"_You're _the bastard!" screamed Cartman. Kenny jumped onto the fatty's stomach, but he bounced off. They both got back into a huge fight until someone new came up to them.

"Um, excuse me," asked a sweet girl's voice.

Kenny stopped. Cartman kicked him in the legs. He screamed under his hood. He looked up at the girl. She was wearing a turqouise jacket, pink gloves, boots, and a bow in her long, blonde hair. "Is this the bus to South Park Elementary?"

"…ubba…mubba-bubba…ergunga…" stuttered Kenny.

"Hey, guys," said Kyle as he and Stan came up to the bus stop. "What are you looking at Kenny?"

"Huh?" muffled Kenny. He looked back, but the mystery girl was gone. Who was she? Was she real, or just a figment of his imagination?

"C'mon, dude," said Stan. "Here comes the bus." The bus pulled into the bus stop, and the four boys went on and rode to school.

To Be Continued…


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"Hey, kids! SIDDOWN!" screamed Ms. Crabtree, the bus driver. The four boys were on the bus going to school.

"Dude," said Stan, "I think this girl you saw was just something out of your mind."

"No way, dude. I saw her with my own eyes," muffled Kenny.

"I don't know, Kenny. She kind of seems—"

The bus stopped in front of school. Everyone was about to get off until Ms. Crabtree butted in.

"HEY, KIDS! I THOUGHT I TOLD YA TO _SIDDOWN_!" she screamed.

"But," started Kyle. "The school's right—"

" I TOLD YOU TO **_SIDDOWN!_**"

Everyone sat down in the nearest seats. Ms. Crabtree moved the bus about five inches.

"Have a nice day," she said in her normal voice.

The bird that lived in her hair popped out and sqwauked "Damn Kids! Damn Kids!"

At morning recess before school, the boys were playing dodgeball 3rd grade vs. 4th grade. Kenny was about to throw his ball until he saw her again. She winked and moved along. Kenny couldn't take his eyes off her. She was so beautiful, so charming, so—

WHACK! Kenny got hit by a ball thrown by a 4th grader and fell to the ground.

"Oh my God!" said Stan. "They killed—"

Kenny got right back up. "I'm okay," he muffled.

"Never mind," corrected Stan.

"Okay, children, let's take our seats," said Mr. Garrison. "We have a new student today. This is Lisa Carrs." Kenny looked up. This was the same girl he saw before. His heart started throbbing.

"She is going to tell us a little bit about herself," continued Mr. Garrison. The new girl moved up towards the rest of the class.

"Um," she started in a quiet voice, "Hello. M-my name is Lisa Carrs. I'm eight years old, and I'm from Duluth, Minnesota. I really miss my old friends a lot. My hobbies include ice fishing, ice skating, snow sculpting, and skiing"

"Sounds kinda lame," blurted Clyde.

"Clyde, you shut your mouth!" yelled Mr. Garrison. "Well, I guess you'll fit in here perfectly. I bet you love it already."

"Not really," replied Lisa. "The air is too dry, and it smells like cow poop."

"MISTAH GARRISON! MISTAH GAR-RI-SON!" screamed Cartman, waving his fat arm all over the place. "SHE SAID A SWEAR! GIVE HER DETENTION!"

"Now, Eric," calmly said Mr. Garrison. "You know I can't do anything about what she said. And that's not a swear. S is a swear. Now, be quiet or I'll—"

"DAMMIT MISTAH GARRISON! PUNISH HAH!" Cartman screamed. His face went red, and he bashed his head on his desk. Kenny was mad. He did not want to lose this new girl, so he yelled, "MMMPH, MPMH-MRRR MPRHH MRRR MRPH MMMMMMPHRHPRH! MMR MMMRHPH MMMMPRHPPPRMH!"

"Kenneth McCormick!" shouted Mr. Hat. "You will not use that fing language in our class!"

"You tell 'em, Mr. Hat!" said Mr. Garrison. Kenny looked at Lisa, who was gigling under her breath. Everyone's faces went blank.

"Dude," said Kyle, who was wide-eyed.

Mr. Garrison took a deep breath. "Okay, Lisa. You can sit next to Kenny in the back." Lisa walked to the back. "Just don't touch my stuff back there." Kenny's eyes lit up.

"Hi. I'm Kenny," he said.

"I'm sorry," said Lisa. "Your name's Lenny?"

"Kenny."

"Benny?"

"Kenny!"

"Liza Menelli?"

"KENNY!"

"Kenny, If you blurt out of turn one more time, you're going to go see Mr. Mackey!" said Mr. Garrison.

"Ohhh…_Kenny_. I like that name," said Lisa. Although you can't see it, Kenny smiled underneath his hood.

"Dude, I'm not going to touch that," said Kyle at recess. "That's sick."

"No, it's not," disagreed Craig. " 'Terrance and Philip's Fart-Flavoured Cola' is definitely worth it."

"Oh, yeah?" asked Stan. "Drink it."

Craig looked at the can of cola. "F you!" he flipped the two of them off and walked away.

"Hey, guys," sighed Cartman as he walked over towards the others.

"What's that?" asked Kyle. Cartman was holding something white underneath his arm.

"It's a book, Jewbutt. Of course, this isn't a _Jewish _book, so you couldn't read it!"

"I can so read that book. I'm not an alien. Although I can read a little Hebrew," said Kyle. He took the book away from Cartman and looked at it. " 'Hop on Pop?' Dude, why are you reading this? You don't have a male dad to even hop on." Some surrounding kids turned towards them and applauded.

Cartman was mad. "Shut the f up, Jewface, or I'll hop on you!"

"Oooooh," awed the kids.

"Dude…you _could _possibly break some of the bones in my body, that is, if you can actually get off the ground!"

"OOOOOOOOH!" awed the kids even louder.

"You tell 'em, Jewface!" shouted Clyde.

"STOP CALLING ME JEWFACE!" screamed Kyle with anger.

"Say your Jewish prayers, Jewface!" Cartman was ready to punch Kyle in the face until Mr. Garrison stopped him.

"Eric Cartman, what the hell are you doing?" asked Mr. Garrison with rage.

"Uh…uh…I'm playing with Mr. Fistface. low voice Hello, Ms. Fistface," he said trying to confuse Mr. Garrison. "Beautiful weather, huh?" He formed a fist with his other hand. "high voice Oh, yes. I'm just fine, Mistah Fistface."

"Nice try, Eric. Just for that, if you don't pick out an appropriate grade-level book--"

"What? 'Hop on Pop' ain't good enough for ya…bitch?" All the surrounding kids gasped.

"ERIC CARTMAN! I—okay, you know what? Just for that, your new punishment is not to work in the library, but if you don't—"

"Hooray!" cheered Cartman.

"If you don't finish that report by next Friday, you will go back to not second grade, but…FIRST grade!"

Cartman gasped. "What? PLEEEEASE, MISTAH GARRISON! NOOOOOOOOOOO! Those first gradas pee in the pool, they pee in their beds…they even pee on you! Please, no-o-oooouh!" He grasped onto Mr. Garrison's legs, but got dragged until he couldn't hold on anymore. He cried and cried until Kyle slapped him.

"Get a hold of yourself, fat boy," Kyle said.

"Stupidlittlefingteacherandshylittle—"

"Dude, have you seen Kenny?" asked Stan. "I haven't seen him all morning." Kyle turns Stan's head so he can see Kenny and Lisa lying underneath a tree, being all lovely-dovely. They were talking and giggling. The three boys had no idea what was going on.

"Dude," said Cartman. "This. Is. Totally. Weak."

"You know, Kenny," said Lisa. "When I was in Minnesota, my friends didn't really like me that much. They wouldn't trust me with anything, or stuff like that. "I always kinda felt—OW!" Kenny took the spitball out of Lisa's eye. They turned around to find Cartman holding a straw, then throwing it at Stan.

"He did it," Cartman said quickly.

Kenny glared at the three of them, then turned back at Lisa.

"Every time I look at you, I feel closer to you, and…well, I was wondering…"

"What?" asked Kenny.

"Would you take off that silly hood?" asked Lisa. Cartman, Kyle, and Stan stared blankly at Lisa.

"Did she say—" started Kyle.

"I heard what she said," interrupted Cartman. "Heah! Listen, bitch! No one, and ah mean NO ONE will get Kenny to take his hood off. He was practically _born _with his hood on."

"No, I wasn't," said Kenny.

"Shut up, poor boy," whispered Cartman. " Kenny has NEVAH removed his hood for anyone! Not for no one, not for nothin'! Ya know how he eats? He sticks his hand inside his hood and eats like that! How sad is that?"

Now Kenny was mad. So mad, his face turned red.

"Mrph mrrk mrrphmepph," muffled Kenny. He and Lisa left the scene, leaving Cartman mad, Stan confused, and Kyle sad.

"What just happened?" asked Stan in total confusion.

"That bastard just ditched us," said Cartman.

"This has to stop," said Kyle. "If Kenny falls for her…we'll lose our best friend."

To Be Continued…


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

That night, Kenny went over to the schoolyard. It was dark enough so Lisa couldn't see his face. They both met under the tree where they met at recess earlier that day. Lisa was pretty calm, but she was nervous about meeting after dark for some odd reason. The sounds of police sirens, dogs barking, and the cold, bitter air flowing through her hair…but why?

Kenny, on the other hand, was so nervous, the sweat from his face made his jacket stick to him like lice on a hobo's head. He had never been this nervous before in his life. What would she think when she would see his face?

When they both sat down under the tree on the soft snow, they both took a deep breath and stared at each other.

_All right, Kenny_, he thought._ You can do this.It's now or never. One…two…_

He removed his hood quickly to get it over with. Lisa stared with surprise. She saw a normal boy with blonde hair, blue eyes, and the messy hair of a kid from the ghetto.

"Oh my God," said Lisa. "Your face! It's so—"

"I know!" said Kenny. "It's hideous! If you don't mind, I'll just go home."

"Kenny," said Lisa, grabing hold of Kenny's arm. "I was going to say your face is beautiful. I like it."

"You do?" asked Kenny.

"Sure. I mean, it's nice knowing that when someone tells you something, it's not going to come up unexpectedly…like when my mother was…" Lisa started mumbling something quietly.

"What?" asked Kenny.

"Oh, I'm sorry," said Lisa. "Sometimes I just blab on and on about stuff that doesn't even—"

All of a sudden, Kenny's lips were pushed up against Lisa's, all puckered up, and formed a kiss. Their first kiss. Kenny was shocked. What made him do that, he'd never know. But what he did know is that this was his first kiss, and he was glad to kiss her.

Lisa felt the same, but she felt something else: acceptance in South Park.

* * *

**_Wouldn't It Be Nice_ by The Beach Boys plays**

Every day, Lisa and Kenny would do something special after school, like ice skating at Cowpie Lane, go bowling (Lisa would pay for everything, obviously) or just play in the snow. It would have been the perfect love scene if Stan, Kyle, and Cartman weren't spying on them from up in a tree.

"EW!" squealed Cartman looking through a pair of binoculars.

"What?" asked Stan.

"Some kid just dropped a Cheezy Poof box in the muddy snow and ate it!" replied Cartman. Stan and Kyle looked at each other.

"But you did the exact same thing yesterday," said Kyle.

"NO AH DIDN'T!" screamed the fat kid.

"Gimme those!" said Kyle, snatching the binoculars from the fat boy. He looked through them, seeing Kenny and Lisa rolling around in the snow.

"Dude!" said Kyle. "This is so wrong, disgusting, and sick just seeing Kenny with a girl…and his hood's off! That goes against the laws of science!"

"Yeah," agreed Cartman. "We have to save him…but how?" All of a sudden, a twig snapped. "What the hell was that?" He started to move around, kicking Stan and Kyle.

"Stop it!" screamed Stan.

"Knock it off, fatass!" yelled Kyle.

" Don't ya call me—"

The three of them fell out the tree and landed on a sweet, innocent (most of the time) boy named Butters.

"Fatass," gasped Cartman.

Butters squeezed out from the dogpile and brushed the dirt off his shirt.

"Hi, guys," he said. "What are you doing?"

"We're spying on Kenny," replied Kyle.

"Why?"

"You know that new girl Lisa? Well, she and Kenny are sorta…dating. And we don't like it at all."

Butters looked over at Lisa and Kenny, giggling in the snow. "Well, th-they look happy, so wh-what's wrong with that?"

"We think she's…a cannibal!" said Cartman.

"Dumbass, we said _criminal_!" corrected Kyle.

"Same gif," said Cartman.

"I don't know," said Stan. "Maybe we should just let Kenny be with her."

"What?" questioned Kyle and Cartman.

"Well, think about it. If Kenny's happy, shouldn't we be happy? He's our friend. Besides, falling in love with someone is just part of life. It shows there is no barrier between man and woman, boy and girl, male and female animals, boy cousin and girl cousin, Big Gay Al and…some other big gay man. I'm sorry, guys. I won't let you do this." Stan started to walk away. Kenny stopped giggling with Lisa and looked at his friends.

"Fine," said Cartman. "If you don't wanna do this, you're not our friend. Therefore, we hate you, so screw you…just go home!"

"What?" asked Stan.

"If you back away, you'll have to choose either Kennah or meh."

"I'm not going to choose," said Stan. "Can't I be friends with both you and Kenny?"

"No. Choose."

"That's stupid—"

"CHUUUUUUUSE!"

There was an awkward pause. Kenny stared at Stan. Cartman was mad. Kyle was getting mad at Cartman.

"All right," said Stan. "I pick Kenny. You're an assh, Cartman. A fing assh." Stan walked away leaving Cartman, Kyle and Butters alone by the tree. Kenny was happy, then went back to rolling around with Lisa.

All was silent until Butters said "Uh…is there anything I can do to help?"

"Get lost, freak!" said Cartman with rage. "C'mon, Jewballs! There's only one person who can help us now!" He pushed Butters into a snowdrift and walked away. Kyle pulled him out and walked away.

"Oh, hamburgers," said Butters.

* * *

After school, Kyle and Cartman approached a normal house painted a forest green. Kyle buzzed the doorbell, and seconds later, a large black man opened the door wearing a chef hat and a pink bathrobe. His name was Chef.

"Hello there, children!" he greeted. "What can I do? Wait. Two of y'all are gone? Where are they?"

"Well, Chef," started Cartman. "Stan's an assh, and Kennah is an even bigger assh!"

"Why's that, children?" asked Chef.

"Kenny has a girlfriend!" piped Kyle. "We want him back, Chef. And we came to ask you because—"

"You're the only one we can trust," said Chef and Kyle in unison. "Wait. A lady?" asked Chef. "Tell me more."

"Che-ef," shouted a woman's voice in the distance, "are you okay?"

"I'm fine, baby," replied Chef. "I'll be back in a minute. Go on, children."

"Well, her name's Lisa Carrs and—"

"CHEF! HURRY UP!" screamed the woman.

"Just a minute, baby!" shouted Chef. "I have to go now, but before I do, I'll sing you a song that will clear up some things." All of a sudden, this bass guitar, drums, and a piano start playing.

"Ohhhh…♪_Lisa! I wanna piece-a Lisa! Lisa!♪♪ Lemme just cool down a bit and just ♫ Come on and tease ya! Lisa! I wanna make love to ya—♫"_

"Thanks, Chef," said Kyle and Cartman quickly as they left the lawn as Chef still sang to himself. Cartman paused, then looked back inside. His eyes widened. "Meeehm?" he asked.

"Go home, Eric," said the woman, who turned out to be Liane. "Mommy's busy right now. I'll be home in half an hour."

"DUN FUHGET TA BRING THA CHEEZEH POOFS!" shouted the fat boy before Chef slammed the door in their faces.

"We have to stop Kenny ourselves," said Cartman, "but how? Hmmm…I got it!"

There was a long pause.

"You have nothing, don't you?" asked Kyle.

"N-no," replied Cartman. "B-b-but…I…aw, screw it! Let's just go to the library!"

"Why?" asked Kyle.

"Geez, Jewbrain! I still need to get and read a book for that report, now come on!" Cartman dragged Kyle to the school's library. When they got there, Cartman started pulling books off the shelf.

"Nope…nuh-uh…why are there two naked men on the cover?" he muttered to himself. Kyle, however, was being bombarded by books until he fell under the mountain of literature.

"Help…me," muffled Kyle in a muffled, weak voice. He waved his glove, which was the only part of him that could be seen.

"All these books are _dumb_!" shouted Cartman, hurling a book across the room.

Meanwhile, Tweek, the nervous kid, walked around the room, clutching a book in his arms. "T-t-t-too MUCH PRESSURE! I HATE READING BECAUSE I CAN'T SLEEP!AAAAAAAHHHHH!" Suddenly, a book fell on him and he collasped on the floor.

Cartman waddled over towards Tweek. "Hey, Tweek," he said. "Get outta my WAY!" He kicked him until the book fell out of Tweek's arms. "He-LOWWW! What have we heah? Hey, Jewfeet! GET OVAH NAH!"

"Don't…call me…Jewfeet, Cartman!" Kyle gasped.

"Fine," said Cartman. "If you're gonna be such a jerk, then I will do this by myself, so f you, Kyle!" He waddled over to the children's room and began reading. "What the hell am I reading, anyway?" he asked. He looked at the cover. _Criminal Records: 1994_. He flipped through the pages. "Nope. No. Boring. Boring. Even I can do that with a rubber chicken and a coat hanger. EEW! That man's kissing a shaved monkey!" Then, he turned to page 56.

"Cool! 'Three year-old causes 12 homicides! A three year-old girl from Duluth, Minnesota, nicknamed Li'l Tiger, went on a shooting spree, as de-de-depitchered depicted in this gruesome photo—" His eyes widened. "Eeuuh my God! Duluth has a Cheezeh Poofs warehouse? Sweeet." His eyes widened again. "Eeuuh my God!" His face broke into an evil grin. "Looks like I'm gonna drop the bomb on Kennah!"

Stan and a beaten-up Kyle were spying on the little fat kid from behind a bookshelf.

"Oh my God! Cartman's gonna kill Kenny!" interjected Stan.

"You bastard!" squealed Kyle.

"NOT THAT KINDA BOMB, YAH ASSWIPES!" shouted Cartman. "Now get over nah before I kick you square in tha nuts!"

* * *

That night, Lisa and Kenny went to Kenny's house. What Lisa didn't know is how poor Kenny's family is. The house was a rundown, unsanitary piece of crap. It's basically a shack. This was in the worst part of the slums of South Park. There were cats, dogs, and birds all over the yard. Most were hungry, others were dead.

Kenny's family was inside, ready to eat frozen waffles. Stuart was plugging in the toaster, and Ms. McCormick was placing the waffles in the toaster.

"I'm hungry, retard," said Kenny's brother, Kevin stupidly.

"Now, Kevin," calmly said Ms. McCormick, " we have to wait for your brother."

"Maybe he died again," said Stuart, who starting guzzling down a beer.

"Oh well," said Kevin. "More for me." He took two waffles.

A knock was heard at the door. Kenny and Lisa came through.

"BURGLARS!" yelled Kevin. Stuart took out his gun and Ms. McCormick cowered under the table. Stuart went towards the door (drunk as always) and aimed it at Kenny's head. Lisa held onto his arm.

"Dad! It's me, Kenny! I just took my hood off!" said Kenny.

"Stuart, you drunk bastard!" said Ms. McCormick. She slapped him in the face. "And you, Kevin!" Kevin laughed under his breath like an idiot.

"Everyone," said Kenny. "This is my girlfriend, Lisa."

"Hi," she said nervously.

"Kenny, I'm so proud of you," said Ms. McCormick. "Your first successful relationship! Let's celebrate! Double waffles for everyone!" Everyone took their waffles and stuck them in the toaster and ate them when they were done.

* * *

"Here's our TV set," said Kenny. "We only get two channels: the news, and Terrance and Philip." He turned on the TV and saw the two Canadians on the screen sitting on the couch.

_"Say, Terrance, what did the Asian chiropractor say to the French veternarian?_" asked Philip, the blonde Canadian.

_"I don't know, Philip. What?"_ asked Terrance, the brunette Canadian. Philip farted right in his face, and they cackled.

Kenny laughed, too. He stopped when Lisa wasn't laughing. "What?"

"I don't like Terrance and Philip," she replied. "I think they're just redneck, fart-loving, Canadian idiots."

"Oh," said Kenny. He turned off the TV.

Later, Kenny and Lisa were in bed, sleeping.

KNOCK! KNOCK! Stan tapped on the window, seeing Kenny wrapped up in his sheets like a mummy, and Lisa sleeping peacefully.

Kenny woke up and put took the top sheet with him to the window. He opened it to find Stan and Kyle outside.

"What are you guys doing here?" he asked. "It's 2 in the morning."

"Kenny, you have to listen to us," said Stan. "This is important. It's about Lisa!"

"**Go f--- yourself!**"muffled Kenny as he slammed the window and went back to sleep. Kyle banged on the window. "KENNY! Kenny, you have to listen to us! KENNY!" Kenny pulled the covers back over his head and fell fast asleep.

Stan and Kyle walked over to Cartman, eating a bag of Cheezy Poofs.

"Well, heeuw'd ahit geuh?" he asked with his mouth full.

"Not so good," replied Stan. "He wouldn't listen to us."

"He'll know when it happens," said Kyle. "But it'll break his heart."

"Ah, who cares?" asked Cartman.

"I guess so," said Kyle. "But you, Cartman, still have to do that book report in…" he looked at his watch. "Six hours."

"AW, DAMMIT!" shouted Cartman. "I don't tell yeeuh how to respect your AUTHORITAH!"

Stan and Kyle looked at each other nervously and walked home.

To Be Continued…


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

The next day, the four boys sat at opposite ends of the bus. Kenny sat in the back with Lisa, Stan and Kyle sat together in the front, and Cartman sat in the middle, alone, and threatened to kick the boys in the nuts until Ms. Crabtree screamed at him to shut up.

At school, Mr. Garrison said, "All right, children, we're going to learn the philosopy of 'Herman's Head.'"

Cartman chuckled quietly to himself. "Sweeet. I got off scot-free!"

"Wait, Mr. Garrison," said Mr. Hat. "Isn't the fat kid supposed to read his book report?"

"Hah! Ah am not fat, godammit!" he shouted.

"Okay, Eric. We didn't forget. So, please get up here and read that report."

"Sonuva—" Cartman banged his head against his desk, and then walked up in front of the class. "Mistah Garrison, did ah evah tell ya you an' Mr. Hat have beautiful eyes?"

"Nice try, Eric," said Mr. Garrison. "We both know I have beautiful eyes, but it won't get you out of reading this report, so get to it or it's back to first grade for you, mister!"

Catman muttered several expletives under his breath, then waddled up to the front of the class and began the book report to escape that fate worse than death. Meanwhile, several dark figures gathered outside the door and windows…

"OK. Ah read the book _Criminal Records of 1994_. Ah thought a lot of it was really boring, y'know, lahke people hittin' people an' robbin' stores an' stuff. But then ah read a VERY interesting article about a criminal called… LI'L TIGAH!"

Lisa gasped as Cartman glared straight at her.

"This particulah criminal was responsible fuh 12 'home-ih-ciders,' an' this person was onleh three yeahs old!"

All the kids gasped with fear. Lisa panicked.

"An' that person is…"

**Knock-knock-knock**!

"Open up, it's Mr. Mackey, m'kay?" came Mr. Mackey, the school's guidance counciler from behind the door. He entered the classroom and looked around. "Is Lisa Carrs here, m'kay?"

"Y-yes," stammered Lisa. Kenny looked at Lisa like something was up.

"The S.W.A.T. team is here to arrest you, m'kay?"

"Eep," gulped Lisa.

All of a sudden, ten guys from the S.W.A.T. charge in the classroom, grabbing Lisa, but Kenny grips onto her legs and pulls her into the closet for hiding.

"Alright, Li'l Tiger! We know you're in here!" shouted their leader.

Mr. Garrison hunches underneath his desk, clutching Mr. Hat. "Mr. Mackey, DO SOMETHING!"

"I'm sorry, this is something you and the S.W.A.T. team have to solve by yourselves, m'kay?" said Mr. Mackey like the typical guidance counselor would say. He promptly left the room.

The S.W.A.T team let off a barrage of gunfire, burning the contents of desks, flipping them over, blasting the blackboard apart, and sadly, whacking everything with Jimmy's crutches.

Meanwhile, Cartman is still reading his book report. Seeing that no one was paying attention, he shouted "HEY YA SONS-OF-BITCHES, PAY ATTENTION! AH WORKED FOR DAYS ON THIS BOOK REPORT! NOW RESPECT MAH MOTHA-F---IN' AUTHORITAH!"

The S.W.A.T. team sits either in empty chairs or on the floor. Everyone else quietly sits in their desks. "Sorry," mumbled one of the S.W.A.T. guys.

"That's better," said Cartman. "As ah was sayin' the shootin' spree was near the Cheezeh Poofs factorah in Duluth. Ah didn't know Duluth had a Cheezeh Poofs factorah! But ah love Cheezeh Poofs more than anything…"

As Cartman rambled about Cheesy Poofs, Kenny removed his hood to talk to Lisa, but the girl spoke first.

"Kenny, it's not safe for either of us," said Lisa. "Your family is poor and lives in a garbage dump, and people think I'm a wanted criminal called Li'l Tiger who caused twelve homicides when I was three years old. Let's leave South Park and start a new life together, just the two of us."

"No f---in' way," protested Kenny. "I won't leave my friends behind! Well, I'd leave Cartman behind, but NOT Stan and Kyle! And as much as I hate bing poor, I won't leave my family either."

"Listen, I've been… uh… traveling from place to place. Uh… because my family moves a lot because of my dad's job!"

"Speaking of which, Lisa, I've never even seen your parents before. How come?"

"Uh… uh… uh… they're always at work?" Lisa was panicking here. She wiped her forehead and accidentally activiated her bow, which turned her innocent-looking clothes into rubber clothes, complete with several weapons attached to her belt.

"What happened?" Kenny was shocked. "It's almost as if…" he gasped. "YOU'RE LI'L TIGER!"

"Uh… no… it's not me… uh… I was just holding these clothes for a friend!"

"You set me up," said Kenny. "and all this time I thought you loved me, you were just trying to kill my friends!"

"Kenny," said Lisa, "It's not like that at all!"

"You lied to me, Lisa. It's over!"

"But Kenny…" Lisa was beginning to cry.

"Screw you… I'm going back to class."

Before either could say or do anything, Officer Barbrady, who was with the SWAT team but arrived late, opened the door to the coatroom.

"AW, ISN'T THAT CUTE?" he shouted in his monotone voice to the SWAT leader. "THEY'RE PLAYING 'FOUR MINUTES IN HEAVEN!'"

"Barbrady, you idiot, it's called 'Seven Minutes in Heaven,' and one of them's an ex-convict!" said the leader of the SWAT team, peering in.

"OH! THAT EXPLAINS THE COSTUME. I THOUGHT IT WAS A HALLOWEEN PARTY!"

"Alright, lovebirds, the party's over," hissed the SWAT captain, dragging Kenny out of the coatroom.

"Ha-ha!" laughed Cartman, looking up from his report on how good Cheesy Poofs were. "Kenny came out of the closet!"

"Shut up, Fat Boy!" retorted Kenny.

"Kenny, cover your shame!" exclaimed Mr. Garrison.

Kenny realized his hood was still off, so he quickly put it back on and tied it over his face at lightning speed.

"Now what in the name of Rip Taylor is going on here?" demanded Mr. Garrison.

"It's alright, Mr. Garrison," said Lisa, slinking out of the coatroom. "It's me they want. Attention, third-graders of South Park elementary! I am not who you think I am! You thought I was mild-mannered Lisa Carrs, but in reality I was the homicidal maniac Li'l Tiger out to kill you all. I was going to… but then I met my true love, Kenny McCormick!"

Everyone looked at Kenny, then they all started laughing uncontrollably. Tears formed in Kenny's eyes, and he looked shamefully at the floor.

"Kenny showed me that not everyone in South Park is an expendible, useless hick. He liked me for who I was outside of my criminal personality, and I liked him. That's why we kissed so much!"

More laughter at Kenny. Even the SWAT team began to double over. Kenny began to cry.

"But now that Kenny broke up with me, I have nothing to live for. Take me away."

The SWAT team led Lisa out to their truck, and they all watched them cart Lisa away to federal juvie.

"…an' in conclusion, the book was really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really…" a breath, "…really, really, really super groin-grabbingly good," said Cartman.

* * *

And now we're back to where we started: Kenny in the stage of heartbreak and Cartman getting an "F" on his report. 

"AN 'F!' AN '_F_!' HOW THE F--- DO AH GET AN 'F!' Ah had Cheezeh Poofs in there, for cryin' out loud!" Cartman was so mad his face turned purple. "This means ah'm goin' back to first grade, stupid Garrision sonuva…"

"So what?" said Kenny with his hood off. He had gotten used to his hood being off for so long, he liked the fresh air. "I lost my first true love. How did this happen!"

"Uh…" started Cartman. "Well… uh… ah… sorta… set this up."

"**_WHAT!_**" screamed Kenny in anger. He then pounded Cartman to the ground, and they started fighting.

"Hey look!" shouted a kid. "Hoodsy McGee and Fat Boy are going at each other!"

"FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" shouted the other kids, forming a circle around them.

"Hey guys," said Stan. No one paid attention. "GUYS!"

They both stopped fighting and looked at Stan.

"What's gotten into you two?" asked Kyle. "What's gotten over all of us? It's because a girl has come by doesn't mean we can't be friends anymore, right?"

"Yeah, dude," said Stan, "we should stay friends. There will never be another thing that should come between us."

"There'll be other girls like Lisa," said Kenny. He started sobbing.

"C'mon, Kenny," said Kyle. "I'll help you start your old life again."

"YOU guys can do that," said Cartman. "But as for me, ah'm gonna learn what 1 plus 5 is, so screw you guys, ah'm goin' to first grade!" Mr. Garrison led him to the first grade classroom.

"OK, class, we have a new student joining us today," said Ms. Fox, the first-grade teacher.

"Hell-ehw, Ms. Fox," said Cartman in an overly sweet voice. "Remembah moi?"

Ms. Fox turned white. "Er—Er—Eric C—C—C—C—C—Cartman?" She went insane, fell to the floor, and then rocked with her knees up to her chest. "No, Eric… be a good boy, Eric… put down the dynamite, Eric… No… NO!"

"Kewl! Ah caused her to go into a relapse!" exclaimed Cartman. He took an enormous roll of dynamite out of his pants. "Now this, kids, is called dynamite. Who wants to be the first to light somethin'?"

Suddenly there came a tidal wave of first-grader pee.

"AW YA SONS OF—"

* * *

That weekend, the four boys went to visit Lisa in juvie. Kenny felt sad. 

"H—hi, Kenny," said Lisa from behind a glass window with a speaker in it. She was wearing a bright orange jumpsuit and was chained to her chair. "Be careful. They say I'm dangerous."

"You are dangerous," said Kenny. "Why did you lie to me, Lisa? Did you think I'd never find out?"

"I did it because I love you, Kenny. Don't you love me?"

There was a pause.

"Answer my question first," said Kenny. "Who are you?"

"What?"

"Who are you?"

Lisa sighed. "My real name is Evadne Cadaver. I was born in Del Muerte, New Mexico. I moved to Duluth when I was two. My mom was killed, leaving my dad. It's been really hard without a mom, so I took up a hobby of killing people to get my dad to notice me. But all he's done is pay attention to his work, and when he got transferred to Denver, we moved to the worse possible town… no offense, guys… I was so mad I was going to rob your stores and kill you all, then go to Tom's Rhinoplasty and get plastic surgery, then hitch a ride to New Jersey where I'd be accepted for sure. But… I guess my love for Kenny made me change my ways. Kenny, will you forgive me?"

"Excuse me, guys." Kenny put on his hood. "Llmmphuh… MMMRH MMH MMPHMRR HPH PRHMM MHRMHR MRRRRRRRMPH RMMPH MMM—MMRH MMMMHRHRRPH MPHRPHRH RMMMRRPHM!" He removed it again. "So screw you, Lisa… I'm going home."

Everyone stood in shock… even the guards, except for Cartman. "Now this kid's… got class!" He put a chubby arm around Kenny's shoulder.

* * *

"Well, Kenny, you've officially broken up with your girlfriend," said Stan that Monday after school. "So how does it feel?" 

"I feel like sh-t that's been crapped twice and fornicated on," said Kenny.

"Hey, do you know what always makes me feel better after I have a fight with Wendy?"

"…Tequila?"

"No! I burn everything that reminds me of her or, even better, belongs to her!"

Kenny sniffed. "Burning sounds good."

_"Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by Green Day plays_

So the boys trooped over to Kenny's house, where they promptly gathered everything that belonged to or reminded them of Lisa—even down to the last eyelash and three skin flakes and crumb of food they shared—everything, and they threw it in a pile outsidewhere it would be burned. Kenny tried to light the matches, burned his gloves, and put them out.

"You wanna light 'em?" asked Kenny to Stan. Stan took the matches, lit them, and burned the pile. After everything burned and all that was left was ashes, Kyle asked, "Feel better, Kenny?

"Not yet," replied Kenny. He went inside and put back everything that was Terrence and Philip related in his room and kissed it. Then, he took out a box that said, "Never use unless of an emergency." He opened it, took out a bottle of superglue, opened the bottle of superglue, and poured it on his head. He then took his hood and pushed it on his head so he looked like he usually did. He went back outside. "_That's better._"

"Hey guys," said Cartman.

"Where were you, fatass?" asked Kyle.

"Ah was with the first-graders an' we made grenade footbawls!" He held up a football with a grenade sticking out of it.

"Whoa, dude!" Stan edged back. "Are you sure it's safe? It could still be active!"

"The first-grader pee probably put it out. An' besides, if it were still active, ah wouldn't do this!" Cartman pulled the tab. "Catch, Kennah!" He threw the football right at Kenny, who caught it. The second his fingertips touched the football, it blew up, killing him. All that was left was a skeleton in an orange parka.

"Oh my God! They killed Kenny!" shouted Stan.

"You BASTARDS!" echoed Kyle.

Cartman looked at what was left of Kenny with a funny look. "Well whaddaya kneeeeeuh," he said, "it _was_ active!"

Uh… the end!


End file.
